I just had a warm, afternoon nap on my day off. Shame it was on a CT scan table at a local hospital. The latest scans come after my neurosurgeon confirmed that my last spinal surgery has not achieved the results we were hoping for. My ongoing pain had already told me that, but it still was not easy to formally hear this news. Two surgeries down over the past three years and the pain journey continues.

At the hospital today a caring staff member, reviewing my medical notes, asked me what this experience was teaching me. Resting on the scan table, with time to think, here are my mental notes on lessons I continue to learn; things I need to keep putting into practice. Hopefully, these learnings may be helpful to others.

1. I need to ensure each day that I do not allow pain to define me. I need to keep declining the self-pity party invites.
2. I need to keep living with a gratitude posture, seeing how fortunate I am to have so many good people in my corner, led by Megan Anderson, my kids, good friends amazingly supportive colleagues and caring health professionals. I’m mindful that my pain journey has changed how our family does life and that’s not easy to accept at times – but my family and work colleagues continue to care deeply and with flexibility. I’m encouraged by many. I have much to be thankful for!
3. I need to keep growing in my capacity to receive care well. This has always been a “work in progress” space for me. I’ve always found it easier to serve and care for others. It’s built into my DNA. But in the past, I have been slow to receive care. Today, humbly, I celebrate the joy of caring others
4. A few years back, I felt unmotivated to exercise. I had good reason to feel flat I told myself, and I made excuses for poor lifestyle choices. But that was a slippery slope. I needed to get “moving” again – most of all for my mind’s sake! And now I know I need to keep moving.

I’ve never been a “gym guy” but now I look forward to my regular gym visits. It was good to fit one in between scans today. Along with a vegan diet and other lifestyle changes I’m the lightest and fittest I’ve been in many years. I love walking. I’m trying to again run longer distances. I want to keep moving!

5. Speaking of mental health, I know I need to keep proactively attending to my state of mind. We all have flat days, dark days, and I am learning how to better manage these days, as well as the great days, and all the in-between ones. I’m thankful for mentors and health professionals who keep asking me good, honest, tough questions.
6. Perspective keeps me going, particularly on rough days. I am thankful that God’s Spirit regularly helps me “right size” my stuff in a world where so many live with pain, hurt and injustice that I can’t even fathom – and many do it without all the things and people I can easily take for granted. I’m fortunate I get to meet so many humble, passionate, inspiring people across the globe who teach me so much about faith, resilience courage and pain.
7. And perspective reminds me that I need to keep raising my voice and coming alongside people on the margins. I know that God is with me amid the physical pain I face, and more, I know God’s heart breaks for those most impacted by poverty, injustice, displacement, climate change, racism, exclusion and human rights abuses across the globe. People like me can live with physical pain and still choose comfort. Many in the world don’t have that choice, so I ask God’s Spirit to keep rattling my cage.
8. Over recent years I’ve been learning more about prayer and faith. Sure, I would like to have my pain behind me, but for now it stays. And with it comes the reminder of mystery, human frailty and what I can and can’t control. And so, I keep leaning in each day to the presence of the Good Shepherd. Experience affirms that Jesus doesn’t lead us into dark valleys – stretching seasons – he leads us through them! And so I hold on to that faithful promise.

Yes, I wish my pain would go away, and we all wish for some things to be different in our lives. But there’s living to do right now – in this moment and the next – even if our circumstances don’t change. My pain specialist says “you could sit at home and be in pain, or you can get on with life and deal with the pain!”

I’m fortunate that with good, gracious people in my corner, health supports available and affordable to me, a purposeful vocation and the Good Shepherd’s presence I can choose the latter.

More than ever, I look at the world and I deeply grieve and lament. Like my spine – the world is not how it should be – and so many suffer far too much all the time. And, I know I need to keep holding on fast to sustaining hope, avoiding cynicism and indifference, making the most of the beautiful opportunities I have to journey with people seeking to express the loving, compassionate and just ways of Jesus.