As Arli was put to sleep for surgery yesterday I held his hand. I’ve been in this place with him several times before. I remember holding his hand when he was two and had his first surgery. He didn’t understand what was happening around him. I did and I was praying hard for my little boy. I walked out of the anaesthetic room and began to cry. I knew I was not in control. 

A few years later I held Arli’s hand for another surgery and this time he was older enough to be frightened in strange, clinical surrounds. He cried. I cried. And a very calm and caring anaesthetist touched us both on the shoulder with re-assuring words. 

As Arli walked to the theatre yesterday we didn’t hold hands. He was anxious, but calm. On one hand still a kid dealing with pain, uncertainty and fear, and yet also modelling courage and his growing maturity.

Arli and I have been long-time hand holders. Wherever we went, he would hold my hand. It was a constant. I cherished it. It lasted longer than it may for many other fathers and sons. And yet I knew the day would come – as it did – when he would, without words or fanfare, head out in public and not want to hold his dad’s hand anymore. A rite of passage.

But last night it was time to take his hand again – likely more for my sake than his. My “little boy” is growing up fast and this hospital visit has been different to those in the past. It was a reminder of the change journey all parents take with each of their children in the different stages and phases of life.

Keeping true to form, I shed tears as I walked out of the anaesthetic room last night. I was met by a nurse to walk me back to Arli’s room. As I wiped my eyes, this caring nurse said to me: “Dad, it’s OK. I know those tears. They’re good tears.”

Good tears! I like that. 

Parent tears. 

Heart tears. 

I am not in control tears. 

God, please take care of my beautiful boy tears. 

I am really just a big kid myself tears.

My boy is growing up tears. 

Love tears.

Good tears.

Thank God for good tears. And thank you God that in your love your heart breaks for us. You shed tears for us. And as this love overflows in us, we shed good tears with and for others.